100% of Life-or-Death Situations Result in Life, Statisticians Reveal

MASACHUSETTS RESEARCH INSTITUTE—No situation in which life and death are said by at least one person to be in direct competition with one another has ever resulted in death, a new paper has discovered. The surprising conclusion was reached by visiting statistics fellows after a 12-month period of study in the Massachusetts area in which they investigated violent crimes, car crashes and other such hazardous events.

According to local firefighter and assistant researcher Jack Strawman, the findings are an accurate reflection of reality. “I’ve been a firefighter for nearly 20 years now, and from my very first day to my veterancy I’ve never seen anyone die in a life-or-death situation. A shitty situation, sure, people die in those all the time. I’m pretty sure saw a guy literally melt during a radioactive situation once, too. Anyway, no asshole calls it a life-or-death situation if he isn’t damn sure he’s getting out alive.”

The study was overseen by noted statistician and adventure-seeker Sam Numford who has been investigating danger for over ten years. “As the paper explains, a life-or-death situation is actually completely harmless. Another big one is shit creek. Shit creek is an expensive holiday lodge, relatively speaking. You could lose your clothes and your hands along with your paddle and you would still emerge from shit creek intact and smelling of flowers. Every single time I’ve been shit out of luck, fucked, screwed, boned, doomed or dead, I’ve been home for dinner that night.”

Despite the results he has reached, Numford advises caution. “When your life hangs in the balance, you’re going to pull through, but if someone says you might not make it, you need to watch out - that generally doesn’t bode well. Stay out of danger zones, hot spots and concentration camps and you’ll be just peachy.” He shakes his head. “Actually, that was a poor choice of phrase. Just peachy is usually fatal.”