Bird Steals Dramatic Area Man’s Subway Sandwich

NEW ORLEANS--Office worker Steven Handsome had an unwelcome surprise at lunchtime on Tuesday when a creature of enormous cunning and craft swooped down from the heavens and carried away his Subway Meatball Marinara footlong sub.

The Data Clerk had otherwise been having an excellent day when the beast, described in hushed tones by Handsome as “a fiend straight from the depths of hell”, carried out its unprovoked attack on his midday snack. “It had claws like the Devil’s teeth and an unearthly intellect”, he added. “When something like this happens, I guess we just need to be happy we’re alive”. The 30-year old dismissed claims from nearby pedestrians that it was a common pigeon: “Absolutely no way. I’m a fully grown, independent man. You think I could have my lunch stolen by a pigeon? I could beat the shit out of a pigeon.”

18-year old Ben Harris was standing nearby at the time of the incident. When asked his thoughts he said: “Some pigeon raked his Subway sandwich and he kinda dropped it or something. It was still in the wrapping so he could have picked it up. I guess he didn’t really want it.” He shrugged his shoulders. “It was a pretty big pigeon, to be fair”.