CERN Announces Discovery of Allah Particle

CERN INSTITUTE, SWITZERLAND—New evidence collected from the Large Hadron Collider experiments has definitely proven the existence of a fundamental Allah particle, CERN scientists revealed this morning. The data, which seems set to conclusively defeat all religions other than Islam, clearly shows that the previously-theorised Higgs Boson particle not only exists but also acts only in accordance with Allah’s wishes.

CERN project leader Julian Defoe is excited about the mathematical and spiritual ramifications of this monumental advance in scientific research. “We have imagined the Allah particle for many years but we never dreamed that it could defeat metaphysical disagreement as well as fill a hole in the field of particle physics. I was a Christian before, but hey, I don’t see any room for interpretation here.”

The figures show the particle stopping for Salah, a type of ritual prayer, five times every day. Rather more persuasively, however, they reveal its charge to be directly translatable into the Qur’an. Chief analyst Tom Bricklam was forthcoming about CERN’s methods. “We took a whole bunch of readings and ran them through our decryption software. Boy, did we have egg on our faces when out came an English translation of the central religious text of Islam.”

The American public, quite surprisingly, has been relatively accepting of these claims. Of the people we interviewed, just over 85% believed that they are legitimate. Stall worker Richard Tulip explained his position as simple pragmatism. “OK, I was a Catholic before, and yes, I did train to be a priest, but that religious text came out in English. English. None of that weird Middle Eastern crap. Don’t you see what that means? Allah is American. They’ve been trying to take our guy all along.” Indeed, the excitement over being able to claim ownership of a divine being seems to be outmatching the disappointment over the loss of the Judeo-Christian sector.

Plans to re-write Science textbooks to make them more Islam-centric have already been drawn up, but some Christians, like 65-year-old Jennifer Raymond, are not quite ready to concede their traditional beliefs. “Who’s to say they won’t find out ten years from now that this “Allah particle” is made up of ten thousand Jesus particles?”

At time of publishing, every copy of the Bible in the country was being furiously redacted.