Insightful Professor Foresees Demise of Print Media

OREGON—Newspapers are doomed and online publishing is the way of the future; these are the totally correct statements of legendary reporter Andrew West. His new book “The Future of News” will be released on the first of September and is already attracting tremendous attention due to its brave and accurate predictions about the inevitable death of written journalism.

“Internet news is so much more dynamic than the traditional method”, explained the handsome news anchor in our exclusive interview, the full version of which will be available to stream on our website from this evening. “It used to be that things would happen and then a while later someone would write about them. Well, now things happen and everyone writes about them within minutes. What we are moving towards is a true meritocracy where everyone has the same coverage and only the best writing gets acclaim.”

Amidst the unbridled optimism of the digital era lies some reason for concern. Physicist Malcolm Affleck has been causing a stir recently with his internet doomsday scenario. According to Affleck, the speed at which news is reported by the blogosphere is increasing at a tremendous rate. His calculations suggest that when the cumulative weight of the bloggers reaches critical mass they will begin to report on events that have yet to happen.

“Our universe is just not set up to support commentary on future events. Doesn’t anyone care about causality anymore? I read an eyewitness account of a bus crash yesterday that was uploaded only ten milliseconds after it happened.” He sips his tea. “On the other hand, we’ll probably read about the implosion of the universe before it happens, so that’s kinda cool.”

Despite Affleck’s presumably-false warnings, Andrew West sees only success for the internet generation. “Think about it - we are a gnat’s eyelash from knowing where celebrities are as soon as they get there. When quantum computing arrives, we won’t need to sit around like idiots waiting for slow humans to write about things - we’ll have CompuNews, the automated mechanical marvel.” He licks his lips. “Real flesh-and-blood journalists will then have more time to focus on creative writing, and sports. Fishing, too ... don’t forget fishing.”