Local Pensioner Taking Things Slowly

MISSOURI—Cliff Jenson, a 68-year old retired librarian, has announced his intention to continue to take things at a very deliberate pace, reports confirm. “All I see are these whippersnappers rushing around like them headless chickens”, he muttered to a fellow shopper while obstructing the frozen goods aisle of his local ShopíNíSave. “What in blazes are they in such a hurry to do? If yíall ask me, they need to stop and take a breath every now and again.”

According to age expert Hilda Fredricks, Jensonís position is not uncommon among people his age. Fredricks, the Head of Elderly Studies at the University of Missouri, has been studying the effects of age on the human condition for nearly thirty years. “We always need to take into account the physical degradation, the bone calcification and the relative inefficiency of the digestive system, of course.” She scratches her chin. “Really though, when it comes down to it, old people just donít give a shit anymore. The only enjoyment they get is from a deliberate lack of attention as to what is going on around them.”

Fredricks goes on to explain that we need not look very far for excellent examples of this phenomenon. “The elderly routinely clog up shops, banks, streets and restaurants. They get up earlier than you do, they have no duties or responsibilities and they have money to spend. They donít need to be home by a particular time. Much like plants, they root. They find a good spot and set themselves there.”

According to our sources, Jenson is expected to remain at the ShopíNíSave for several hours while he chooses between two similar varieties of potato skin. Afterwards, he will make his way to the till and spend another hour telling the cashier about the time his grandson came fifth in the spelling bee.

When asked about his plans for the rest of the day, Jenson offered a toffee from his pocket before shuffling away.