New “Cheese Beds” Combine Worst Aspects of Cheese, Beds

SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—In what can only be described as a retail suicide attempt, the San Jose Bed Emporium released details yesterday of their new line of cheese beds. The beds, which are, as we have established, inexplicably made of cheese, range from the Cheddar Hug to the Mozzarella Snuggle Hut. “Cheese beds - flaky like cheese, inedible like beds”, the poster reads. An upcoming video campaign will detail a loving family finding it really hard to sleep in the Gorgonzola Cocoon variety.

“We initially tried to devise a product that would really capture the zeitgeist in a bed-friendly format”, Bed Emporium CEO Brett Riverboat explains. “But then we thought, hey, any sane person shops at Bed Warehouse across the street, so what the hell, letís give our idiot customers a much higher level of cheese content than they could ever have anticipated.”

Local reaction has been largely negative. Many believe that the beds are a terrible idea, though most, such as 28-year old homeless vagabond Ben Matthews, have never heard of Bed Emporium. “Do you mean the sofa place down by CostCo? I thought that place had to close because of asbestos.” He scratches a sore on his arm and licks his lips. “Cheese beds though, now thereís an idea.”

Despite the predictably poor reception, Riverboat and his design team are unrepentant. “Sure, we have a massive amount of contempt for our customers, but you have to admit itís high-quality cheese. Also, thereís a real market in Japan for this stuff.” He pauses to take a bite out of his chair. “Hmm ... needs more cheese.”