New Microsoft Excel 3D to Offer Incredible Virtual World

WASHINGTON—Promising an unprecedented leap in business technology, Microsoft has held the first public demonstration of its new “Excel 3D” project outside its Redmond headquarters. The event attracted a strong turnout of die-hard Microsoft fans, some of whom had camped for several days to be among the first to see the future of spreadsheet development.

Wielding futuristic motion-capture gloves in front of an enormous customer monitor, CEO Steve Ballmer wowed the crowd by moving calculations around a colourful graphical environment. “We are talking about a fully-traversable statistical world generated in real time by our "Excelerate" engine,” explained Ballmer’s lifelike avatar as it stacked blocks of equations. “This is the first calculation revolution of the digital era. See, when I delete this block, the number on this other block changes.”

At the press conference afterwards, Ballmer went into more detail about some of the new features users can expect to see when the software is released in early December. “Ever since we started development on the very first edition of Excel we have heard the same things. “Well, this program is great and all, but where’s the interaction?” Everyone at Microsoft is confident that no-one will be asking that once they meet "XL", their plus-sized robot companion with a snarky attitude and a passion for formulae.”

He paused to begin a demonstration reel which included footage of the aforementioned character and a race of sentient scorpions that attack anomalous fields.

“No more fudging the stats with the Excelrazer Scorpion Squad. They’ll even report the perpetrator to the boss, so crime doesn’t pay with these little guys.”

Sources confirm that billionaire Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates will feature as a hidden boss in the Macro section where coders will be challenged to defeat him using only DOS commands.