Obama Uncovers Conspiracy to Distract Public with Conspiracies

WHITE HOUSE—At a White House press conference this morning, President Barack Obama made a stunning announcement: he has found conclusive evidence that his administration, along with those of his predecessors dating back to the founding fathers, has been engaged in brazen manipulation of media coverage to further its mysterious agenda.

Standing behind a marble plinth, Obama read from a pile of scrawled notes. “My fellow Americans, the institutions that have led this country to prosperity have also become cynical and controlling. For hundreds of years they have been spreading misleading rumours designed to make them look efficient and powerful. Today I am releasing this report to the public so that they may make their own minds up about the factions running this great nation.”

The dossier runs to nearly 7,000 pages long and details a long-standing initiative known as “Project Hoodwink” that was originated by George Washington during America’s first years. Apparently Washington, wary of a public with no faith in its governing body, began inventing and distributing stories linking each and every remarkable occurrence to his office. After an initial over-saturation of incredible anecdotes, the founding fathers found a balance that has been almost completely unchanged to this day.

Obama offered words of comfort to the stunned audience. “Do not lose all hope, my friends. A new day has begun in American politics. No more will we take explicit or implicit credit for every unusual occurrence. American citizens are smarter today than they have ever been, and such a well-informed populace cannot possibly believe in a government that is competent from top to bottom and has the forethought and capability to fake a moon landing or a terrorist attack. I promise you that we will find a better way to distract you from our failings, possibly involving mystery prizes or more television channels.”

The Commander-in-chief closed his statement by promising a more focused administration. “The old ways are gone but the people remain. I guarantee you that the genius minds who managed to fool us all for several lifetimes will be put straight to work on some top-secret projects which may or may not include time-travel and brainwashing vaccines.”

Suggestions that Obama is to introduce puppetry in the background of his national addresses remain unconfirmed.