Unexploded Nuclear Missile Is “Ticking Timebomb”, Scientists Report

MINNESOTA—An explosive device left over from a nuclear test carried out during the Bush administration is threatening the future of the nation’s children, a new study has revealed. Experts from highly-regarded science publication “Fancy Science Digest” spent three months investigating the missile located in a field in the centre of the state and discovered that the energy it contains, if released, could cause damage that would cost the nation’s taxpayers millions of dollars and stress the health system to breaking point.

John Figlamp was the lead researcher for the study and is adamant that the public needs to be more aware of the dangers presented by atomic bombs. “People walk by this area every day without realising the hazard the radioactive material presents. The evidence we have collected shows a clear and indisputable link between nuclear-fuelled explosions and premature death.”

Not everyone is convinced by the study’s conclusions. Martin Bishop works at a vegan store not far from the nuclear test area; in fact, he regularly walks across the field to get to work. “I must have walked past that bomb a thousand times and it hasn’t exploded once. Do they really expect me to give up my twice-daily tofu collection for my strict diet just because I may be exposing myself to deadly radiation? What should I do, go back to meat and eat myself into an early grave like everyone else in this country?”

Government officials have mostly refused to comment, though Republican Senator Mark Hatstand has issued a statement. In it, he argues that nuclear material is “perfectly safe”. “Those meddling liberals wanted to take our guns and our meat and now they want to take away our unexploded war relics. Well, they’ll have to get up pretty damn early in the morning to get the plutonium I have in my garage.”

At press time, the missile was making an eerie hissing noise.